I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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