I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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