If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
