Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
