I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"