It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.