hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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