So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
