He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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