I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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