I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
