Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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