God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
