I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
