the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
