Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
