Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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