tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Houston, we have a blender
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
