I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
