I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
