i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
