I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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