So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
