i permit you to call me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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