you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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