i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My life is pants optional.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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