I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
