My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
