bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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