Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
