I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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