have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
