I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
