It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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