Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere