Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wanna passion pit in your ass
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.