just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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