Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
