Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
