I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm bleeding and have questions
That was before I lit my hair on fire
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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