i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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