I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
