My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
