Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
