I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
