At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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