We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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