peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
