turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
