Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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