I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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