I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
