How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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