Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
