dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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