I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
