Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
