he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
