My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
