It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
