this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
